Laid

Coke Line: A Masterpiece Of Modern Horror.

SaksNopsis: Best horror movie ever.

Quotable Quote:

Bronze: “Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” – Jack.
If you blatantly rip off a famous Johnny Carson phrase, and not only do people not care, but they start associating that phrase with you instead of Johnny Carson, you know you’ve done something good.

Silver: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” – Jack.
My favorite “Simpsons Treehouse of Terror” is a two way tie between The Shining spoof and Homer getting sucked into our world. This scene’s potency was highly damaged by the quality of that Simpsons spoof. Nonetheless, it’s rock solid.

Gold: “Come and play with us, Danny. Forever…and ever…and ever.” - The Twins
I can’t even make a joke here. I’m too terrified of those twins showing up in my house when I wake in the middle of the night.

IconoScene:

Bronze: The ball room comes alive.
Love everything about this scene; Jack’s nonchalant reaction to being served drinks by a ghost, followed by an entire ball room of ghosts mingling amongst each other, followed by a bathroom conversation with the Father of the two twins about how he murdered his whole family, followed by the Father making Jack a serious proposition. I was always kinda jealous by this scene; solid bartender, nice atmosphere, classy people, definitely a mint crop of hookers walking the premises. Like Mad Men on steroids.

Silver: Jack visits the lady in room 237.
Talk about going from midnight to six.

Gold: Danny’s toy bike ride is interrupted by the twins, who show him a vision of what happens when he plays with them.
I saw this is as a little kid, and even now I kinda cringe a little. Every light in the house was kept on that night.

MVC:

Bronze: “Dick.”
Telepathic communication would be awful. It’d be like Facebook planting a chip in your brain. (Which sounds realistic at this point in our societal evolution. Yes, I just went the societal evolution route in my blog) Between cell phones/texting/email, etc, you basically have no excuse for avoiding someone anymore. You can’t say you didn’t get the message cause it’s impossible not to get the message now. Telepathic communication – ending all marriages by 2023.

Silver: “Danny.”
The Michael Jordan of Haley Joel Osment’s. Shocking that he only acted once more after this. Can’t imagine why the opportunity of starring in The Shining directed by Stanley Kubrick would be a straining experience on a little kid? Shocking.

Gold: “Jack.”
Jack Nicholson is the coolest actor of all-time. You heard it here first.

Random Thought: Scorsese is my favorite, but it’d be tough arguing against someone if they said Kubrick is the best director ever. The versatility is unmatched.

Heart Break: (11) They actually did a remake already. It was a network miniseries starring Steven Webber and a little kid with a real fat fucking face. I watched the entire thing and had what Medical Doctors would classify as a “raging blackout.” Possibly the first time I ever uttered the word “cocksuckers” at my TV screen. In fact, it was so bad, and so forgettable, that everyone probably forgets they did it, opening up the gates of hell for a remake that will be produced by Michael Bay, allowing him to get us one step closer to the apocalypse. There’s gonna be CGI, quick cuts to things that were next to the person on camera, the little girls are gonna have hair covering their faces, and the Mom is gonna be hot. Who should be in front of the Hollywood Human Centipede? Perhaps we should put it to a vote and let America decide. I’ll talk to the government, have them print out some ballots.

On Deck, #2..

Coke Line: He’s the only chance they got.

SaksNopsis: Best action movie ever.

Quotable Quote: Again, this is the fuckin’ 5, so we’re staying with Olympics style:

Bronze – “Hans. Bubi. I’m your white knight!” – Ellis.
Coke head referring to himself as a white knight? Coincidence? Was white knight street slang for coke back in the eight zeros? I think so. Anytime you refer to a possible terrorist as “bubi,” you’re in my good graces.

Silver – “Shoot. Thuh glass.” – Hans.
Terrorist hating aside, I think we’d all like to be in a position someday where we can tell our evil henchman that the best course of action to solving our current problem is simply by shooting the glass.

Gold – “Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker.” – McClane.
Hans says it better in his evil accent, but he copped it from McClane. And you don’t cop someone else’s shit. Okay? I’m from Greenwich, Connecticut. WE JUST, DON’T, DO THAT SHIT. You feel me?

IconoScene:

Bronze – McClane jumping off the roof as it explodes/having to shoot + kick in the window/taking off the hose before it brings him off the building.
Best – slow mo avoid the blast behind you jump – ever.

Silver – McClane tossing a dead body onto Powell’s cop car to get his attention.
Keep in mind, we didn’t have cell phones back then, so a lot of times if we wanted to get someones attention from far away we had to launch a dead body onto their car. That’s just how it was back then.

Gold – McClane’s gun taped to his back.
The group laugh leading up to the reveal is what really elevates this scene to iconic status. I once taped a beer to the back of my shirt in college after we bugged out that one us had to get beer. When I reached for the beer on my back it fell and then exploded after I opened it. The lesson, as always – no matter how hard you try, you are not an 80s action star.

MVC:

Bronze – “Ellis.”
One of my favorite coke heads from the 80s. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; everyone did coke in the 80s. Remember, kids. Being a cocky cokehead wont save your life when negotiating with terrorists, but it will get you laid in downtown Stamford.

Silver – “Hans.”
I once had a landlord named Hans, and I just always assumed he was evil. He used to bang on the pipes when my friends were making too much noise.

Gold - “John McClane.”
Arguably the best action movie hero ever.

Random Thought: Did anyone have the trilogy video game for PS1? Each movie of the trilogy had a completely different style. One was you running around shooting terrorists, two was a first person shooter, three was all driving. And while you did stuff, they had quotes from the movie play at the perfect times of the action. Phefuckinomenal. Interestingly enough, the order of quality was 1,3,2. Just like the movies.

Heart Break: (10) I didn’t like 4. McClane was dodging planes, IT WAS RATED PG-13, Kevin Smith showed up at one point..it sucked. Felt no connection to the Die Hard series. It’s borderline Rocky 5 for me. Yes, I just said that. Stop now, let’s pretend we stopped after “Vengeance.”

On Deck, #3: “What’s in room 237?”

Coke Line: One man’s struggle to take it easy.

SaksNopsis: Jean Claude Van Damme’s wife from Time Cop plays hooky for a day.

Quotable Quote: We’re in the fuckin’ 5, so I’m going Olympics style from here on out:

Bronze – “Bueller…Bueller…Bueller…” – Ben Stein (If you’re upset I didn’t list his character name, let’s find a nice tree in a field and go make out underneath it)

Silver – “Hey Cameron, you realize if we played by the rules right now we’d be in gym?” – Ferris

Gold – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris

IconoScene:

Bronze – Ed Rooney talking to Sloane’s fake Father, voiced by Cameron, while Grace frantically tries to help him.

Silver – Cameron shows Ferris his Dad’s ferrari. Possibly the best use of an obscure song ever. Chucka-chucka-aaah.

Gold – Ferris takes over the parade. The spontaneous choreographed dancing from the crowd is off the charts solid. One day, somebody from Wasted Potential FilmWorks will pull this off. I don’t know when, I don’t know where, and I don’t know how we’ll do it without getting arrested…but it will happen. Oh, yes. It will happen.

MVC:

Bronze – “Cameron” = One of, if not the best, Scottie Pippen of the 80′s. Alan Ruck, who played Cameron, was 30 when he filmed this. Is that the winner for oldest main character from a high school movie? Would love to know the answer to that question. CORN NUT. Close the other porn window and find me some facts.

Silver – “Ed Rooney” = Who was arrested for child pornography. He had to register as a sex offender for LIFE. Are we surprised? No, cause Ed Rooney was a dick. Do we still kind of love him? Yeah. We kinda do. But seriously, don’t touch kids. It’s a bad hobby. Get a bike, ride it around. Much better hobby.

Gold – “Ferris Bueller” = Arguably the most iconic film character from the 80s.

Random Thought: Can you imagine the sex Ferris got from Sloane that night? Dear, God. Anything goes. And I mean, ANYTHING. Ugh. I’m actually jealous and a little depressed at the fictional sex that a fictional character got from another fictional character in a fictional movie. Nothing about the 80′s is fictional, though. Not in our hearts, babe. Not in our hearts.

Heart Break: (11) If you don’t know what a Human Centipede is, it’s simple. You take the mouth of one person, and attach it to the asshole of another person. This is what I will do to Hollywood if they try to remake this film.

On Deck, #4: “Welcome to the party, pal.”

Coke Line: Indiana Jones – the new hero from the creators of JAWS and STAR WARS.

SaksNopsis: The Rich Giaccio biopic finally comes to the big screen.

Quotable Quote: “I hate snakes, Jock!” - Indiana Jones

IconoScene: The Nazi’s messing with the covenant at the end while Indy and Marion are tied up. I’ll get to why later, but it was jaw dropingly intense the first time through, and still gives me bumps today. Huge list of close calls here; the entire opening sequence of Indy getting back to the plane, Indy’s 1 on 1 against the dude with the sword, Indy’s 1 on 1 against the big bald Nazi next to the plane, Indiana dragging his body underneath the truck while it’s speeding and then having the strength to climb back up onto the truck, the Marion chase/kidnapping through the streets and back alleys, Indiana and Marion avoiding the hundreds of snakes in the temple, and the infamous final shot of the box being pushed deep into the warehouse.

MVC: Indiana Mothafuckin’ Jones. Marion was definitely a freak in bed. Owns a bar, knows how to pound shots, can scrap with armed men, digs guys with whips, Daddy issues…..nice.

Random Thought: This movie was rated PG. Now, considering the amount of violence, and violent deaths, this is baffling. However, the tone of the movie is so light, that, even though it’s still dumb, you could talk me into it still being PG. Well, until the NAZIS FACING START MELTING OFF. So yeah, you can talk me into the PG, until the NAZIS FACES START MELTING OFF. That entire scene gets so out of control so quickly I still haven’t fully recovered from 20 years ago. Did a ratings board exist back then? Or did Spielberg offer to buy them all islands for their birthdays if they gave him a PG? Either way, their FACES MELTED OFF!

Heart Break: (10) South Park, as they always do, summarized the heart breakingly horrific #4, which I never saw. Most of my friends saw #4, and this was, near verbatim, the reactions every time:

ME – It was bad?
EVERY FRIEND I TALKED TO ABOUT THE MOVIE – Yeah.
Me – How bad?
Friend – Fucking sucked. Don’t see it.
Me – Funny bad? Or just bad, bad?
Friend – No, like…(you can tell they’re getting upset)..just really, fucking, terrible.
Me – I’ll probably check it out.
Friend – NO. Don’t. Seriously.
Me – That bad?
Friend – THAT. FUCKNG. BAD.

*Still haven’t seen it.

On Deck, #5: “It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”

Coke Line: They’re on a mission from God.

SaksNopsis: The coolest movie from the coolest decade.

Quotable Quote: “How much for the women?” - Jake

IconoScene: The Nazi car flying off the bridge and then falling from the sky. You gotta watch to understand. Close calls to every musical number, cause there’s no way in hell I could choose a favorite among them…Anytime Carrie Fisher shows up…The entire last car chase, specifically the 25 car pile up…And of course, the Brothers eating at the fancy restaurant and offering to buy the women and little girls.

MVC: “Jake.” The most nimble fat man of all-time. Also the greatest comedic face of all-time. A simple lift of an eye brow or twitch of the cheek and he can own the scene. I could watch John Belushi dance to cool music all day. Literally. Wouldn’t get old. A strong close call to Elwood. Lot of respect for Akroyd here. He wrote this, gave himself 2nd fiddle, let Belushi be the man, and was an incredibly solid Scottie Pippen. I think we’re forgetting how important Dan Akroyd was to our comedy culture back in the day. He’s a hall of famer. Props to every musician, cause again, how can you choose any of them over the others? In retrospect, the idea for this movie sounds easy, (get the coolest musicians on the planet, plop them in throughout the movie to sing), but to create the script around such iconic figures and settings while understanding that 80′s dancing is the pinnacle achievement of man kind? Brilliant!

Random Thought: Watching Henry Gibson, AKA, Dr. Klopek from The Burbs, talk in a normal voice was legitimately shocking to me the first time I saw this film. I had only known this man as the creepy guy who tried to murder Tom Hanks, and seeing him talk like a normal person, took me completely out of the film. It was the equivalent of someone walking up next to me, slapping me as hard as they could across the face, getting into a helicopter made out of bagels, and then flying away. And yes, this movie has the best soundtrack ever.

Heart Break: (10) John Goodman is my boy, but what were they thinking with that sequel? That’s like Omar Epps replacing Wesley Snipes in Major League 2, but times a thousand. “I know our iconic film revolved around 2 guys, and one of those guys is now dead, but I think we should still make the sequel.” Really??? On the flip side, the sequel killed any chance at an actual remake, which, if ever put into production, would give me the greenlight to start Hollywood Human Centipede.

On Deck, #6: “Shut your eyes, Marion! Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

Coke Line: You’ve read the ad, now see the movie!

SaksNopsis: The first spoof film ever made.
(I don’t know if that’s true, but like George Costanza said, “It’s not a lie..if you believe it.”

Quotable Quote:
Young Boy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee.
Little Girl: Oh, that’s very nice of you, thank you.
[takes coffee]
Little Girl: Oh, won’t you sit down?
Young Boy: Cream?
Little Girl: No, thank you. I take it black. Like my men.

IconoScene: Joey visits the cockpit. Pedophilia + Kareem Abdul Jabbar getting harrassed for not playing defense. I’m not gonna explain. Just watch. This entire movie is a collection of quick hilarious exchanges between people so it’s impossible to explain any of them without ruining the punch lines.

MVC: “Captain Oveur.” Another extremely close MVC race to call, but Oveur gets the nod simply for playing a pedophile with such beautiful conviction and sincerity. (I wonder if those collection of words have ever formed a sentence before) Close calls to Leslie Nielsen, Lloyd Bridges, Peter Stack, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, The Old Lady Who Can Speak Jive, and of course, the blow up pilot.

Random Thought: Has Leslie Nielsen’s hair ever moved? This actually might be the most influential comedy ever made. The first movie I can remember ever being like, fuck it, lets just be random and funny, do whatever we want. It was a “game changer.” Like Avatar. Only this was fun to watch and I had the desire to see it more than once. Unlike Avatar, which made the most money of all-time, and afterward I immediately knew I would never have the desire to see it again. But please, make sequels so I can not see them and hear from nobody I know about how they didn’t see them either. Do that. Please. By the way, what if James Cameron is lying? Titanic won best picture, so he’s obviously got connections to the White House. Is it so implausible that people are simply lying to him about his movie making the most money of all-time because they’re worried he will shed his human skin, turn into the real alien that he is and start eating people’s faces? Wild, but makes sense right? I’m not done with conspiracy theories yet….

Heart Break: (10) Date Movie, Scary Movie 4, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck, and Scary Movie 5 is currently in the works. Here’s what I need: I need a behind the scenes documentary on the production of these films, every creative step of the way. Why? Cause they can’t be real. They are so mind blowingly awful and creepy that there has to be an ulterior motive to making them. I watched 10 minutes of Date Movie and I got a hangover. I’m not kidding. It wasn’t a headache. Or a migraine. It felt like I had just swigged 1/2 a bottle of bottom shelf whiskey. My guess = A highly elaborate way to catch child molesters. Why? Because the only people who could be capable of sitting through this jizz mop shit stain string of movies are child molesters. If you know anyone who has seen of the above mentioned movies, call the cops, cause they’re trying to make out with little kids.

On Deck, #7: “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses…”

Coke Line: Marty McFly got home early last night. 30 years early.

SaksNopsis: If you could go back in time, would you bang your Mom when she was hot?

Quotable Quote: “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.” – Doc

IconoScene: Marty dodging Biff with his retro skateboard. How many times have you been chased by bullies while roading on your board and it didn’t end with you pulling a rope a dope and getting them to crash into a horse manure truck? Sensational. Close calls to George knocking out Biff with the hesitated lefty hook, Marty getting into the delorean for the first time, (making deloreans the coolest thing ever created for kids under 10), Marty rocking out to Chuck Berry, (and showing us the history of rock and roll in the process), Marty realizing he’s late for school, George ordering chocolate milk to get pumped up, and Doc telling Marty that where they’re going, they don’t need…roads. (Which was borderline-Zach Morris showing up to your house to let you borrow his 2 foot long cell phone-levels of cool at the time)

MVC: “Biff Tannen.” A heart breakingly close MVC race to judge. Extremely close calls to Crispin Glover as George, AKA, the last man I would ever want to be stuck in an elevator with. Doc Brown, one of the swellest fellas you’ll ever meet in an 80s movie. Marty McFly, who made Michael J. Fox the coolest guy on Earth despite being 3 foot 7 and Canadian. Mayor Goldie Wilson, who reminds me of Dave Chappelle impersonating a black guy from the 50′s, which is always an enjoyable experience. And of course Billy Zane, for being Billy Zane. But Biff Tannen might be the biggest dick in the history of entertainment, and that’s saying a lot considering they made a sequel to Baby Geniuses.

Random Thought: I’ve seen deloreans less than 5 times in my entire life. By all accounts, they are completely improbable cars structurally and are a big pain in the ass to maintain. Would I still rob a coke dealer to buy one? Probably. But only if I was high on coke at the time. How else would I know where to find the drug dealer? Didn’t think of that did you, Butthead.

Heart Break: (10) Everything is going to be a 10 from here on out, so let’s focus on how they can suck me into a remake. For this, there’s 2 things; 1) Dennis Hurley plays Doc Brown. 2) Marty bangs his Mom, and the Mom is played by Jenna Fischer. (Blades of Glory Jenna Fischer, not The Office Jenna Fischer) Under those circumstances, I will see the remake….multiple times.

On Deck, #8: “Joey, do you like movies about Gladiators?“

Coke Line: He’s a man of peace in a savage land…Suburbia.

SaksNopsis: Tom Hanks and his neighbors think the new family on the block are homicidal maniacs. (Also acceptable summary: Corey Feldman’s last good movie. I don’t count Ninja Turtles, cause he was only a voice. Granted, a heavenly voice. But still, just a voice)

Quotable Quote: “In Southeast Asia we’d call this kind of thing bad karma.” – Rumsfeld.

IconoScene: Ray and Art approach the Klopek’s front door for the first time.

MVC: “Art.” How did this man not receive some sort of award for his performance? Even if it’s just a red ribbon from the New Lebanon Elementary School field day competition, the man deserves something for his efforts. Ribbons all around for Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Uncle Klopek (who’s real name is Brother Theodore, which is enough evidence for me to give him a wedding party seat at my wedding), and of course, the red ribbon of our lives, Corey Feldman.

Random Thought: This was it for Corey Feldman. It feels like he should have done some significant acting after this, but it didn’t happen. RIP Feldman. And Haim. But mostly Feldman. No, mostly Haim, definitely mostly Haim…and Feldman. I bet Carrie Fisher was a legend in the sack.

Heart Break: (9) Neighbors might be killers, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, we get a couple of these every year, Ashton Kutcher is involved in some capacity. Not sure what the legacy of Burbs is. I feel like out of 100 people, 1/3 would say they’ve never heard of it, 1/3 would say they know it but don’t really remember it, and 1/3 would say it’s 1 of their favorite movies of all-time. Reactions would be all over the place. It’s like asking a girl if she masturbates.

On Deck, #10: “I guess you guys aren’t ready for that, yet. But your kids are gonna love it.”

Coke Line: The heat is on!

SaksNopsis: Eddie Murphy, at the peak of his fame, plays a Detroit cop who heads to Beverly Hills to find out who killed his buddy.

Quotable Quote: “You’re not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe?” – Axel.

IconoScene: Eddie getting thrown out of Victor’s building, through the glass, and immediately getting arrested for disturbing the peace after he hits the ground.

MVC: Besides “Axel Foley?” Gotta go Bronson Pinchot. (Nice ring to that one) Pinch hit grand slam as the gay art dealer. Between this and True Romance, he has to be one of the best pinch hit actors of all-time. The Ruben Sierra of actors.

Random Thought: Eddie wasn’t just funny, he was a good actor. Hit all the dramatic notes when needed, incredible versatility, but you know this already. I wonder how good of an actor he would have/could have become if the success of Shrek didn’t convince him to stop being funny and settle for kids movies. Speaking of Eddie not being funny anymore…..

Heart Break: (2) We will all turn a blind eye to the very likely possibility of it being awful, but that’s how much we want Eddie to come back. Beverly Hills Cop 3 sucked, and he’s made so many bad movies since then, why not take a chance on a #4? (Does anyone even remember what #3 was about? Ferris wheel. That’s all I remember) How tremendous would it be if Eddie made a legit comeback? We all know it’s still in there somewhere. RAW was mint.

On Deck, #10: “Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it.”

Coke Line: NO COKE LINE.
That’s bad ass. Only Scorsese and DeNiro would get away with such a thing. You can’t picture the studio coming to them, telling them the movie needs a tag line, and DeNiro & Scorsese responding with a unified “You wanna tag line? Here’s a tag line. Go fuck ya, Motha.”

SaksNopsis: The DeNiro/Scorsese/Pesci dynasty begins.

Quotable Quote: “Did you fuck my wife?” – Jake.

IconoScene: Jake telling Joey to hit him. Funny yet uncomfortably brutal to watch, which sums up most of the movie. Close calls to the last LaMotta/Sugar Ray fight, Joey beating the shit out of Salvie at the club, Jake and Joey telling their wives to leave the kitchen and go into the living room, (an incredibly sexist scene that makes me laugh every time), Jake bashing his forehead against the wall in prison, Jake yelling at his neighbors for being too loud, and the opening credits, which are like poetry.

MVC: “Jake LaMotta.” It bothers me when people starting eat out an actor’s ass just cause he lost or gained a lot of weight. It’s great that they went so far to get into the role, but it’s not as if doing so necessarily makes your performance better. Unless you’re taking about DeNiro in this film, who lost AND gained huge amounts of weight to portray Jake at different times in his life. When the weight shifts, so does the personality. The biggest viagra pill you can give an actor is telling them they need to lose or gain a lot of weight to play a role cause they know it will get them serious award buzz. They know this, because of DeNiro. Go fuck ya, Motha.

Random Thought: Frank Vincent had a helluva career as a mobster in entertainment. He gets the shit beat out of him by Pesci in this movie, he gets brutally murdered by Pesci in Goodfellas, and his head explodes after getting run over in The Sopranos finale. Helluva career, Frankie. Helluva, career.

Heart Break: (10) There’s only 1 scenario where you can talk me into a remake: You use cast members of Jersey Shore. The Ronnie/Sammy Sweetheart dynamic is eerily similiar to Jake/Vicky already, so I say throw Pauly D in there as Joey, Situation as Salvie, J Woww as Sugar Ray, and you’re gold, baby. That reminds me of my 1 beef with the movie; Cathy Moriarity is supposed to be a teenager when we meet her? She looks like she’s 35. Otherwise, it’s perfect. I can’t believe this is only #12 on the countdown. I might not survive the top 10.

On Deck, #11: “Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What’s the fuckin’ charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?”